February, 2019 Begins A New Era

max at showIt’s officially February, and the Superbowl has come and gone with a familiar result. The Pats win it….again, for the sixth time!  Anyway, now that football is gone from my life for the next eight months,  I see life unfolding differently than it has in the past.

I am determined not to repeat the mistake I have made often by jumping into relationships too quickly.  I need to celebrate my friends and family and spend time with them, as I enjoy the freedom of not being entangled with anyone.

I am beginning to envision some longer range travel, some home swapping or other means, to really live my dream. That is to live in a foreign country. Maybe I should take up the offer from my friends who invited me to spend some time in Mexico.  I am tempted by it all, especially the part where I’d actually live somewhere else, not just visit.

It’s amazing to me how quickly I think I need to couple up. Even when I was in high school I used to always have a wife-figure sort of girlfriend. Someone to whom I was devoted, faithful and loyal to, even as a teenager.

But the past few years have changed how I feel about myself in relationships. I hate to say but I don’t like what I am finding out about myself. It’s hard to go from feeling like you’re the greatest to feeling like you aren’t much of anything. But that’s what has happened, I am no longer able to swagger with confidence and feel great. I feel challenged, and intimidated, and not the strong person I want to be.

I think my friends and family are going to save me this time. I need to reach out to them, all of them and ask them to spend time with me, go out more, and don’t just let myself be alone too often.  I have this paralyzing fear of ending up all alone if illness strikes me again, I fear that I will have no one with me here. But I need to move past this and to a place of confidence and feeling good about my business and about myself.

February is going to be a challenging month. I can make it through to the other side. I just need to give myself a break.