Can I Give You a Compliment? Please?

How easy is it to accept a compliment?  For many people, it isn’t easy at all. A column  by Elizabeth Bernstein in yesterday’s WSJ was about why compliments cause so much grief, and the fine line between ‘backhanded’ and real compliments.  Tips were provided, such as ‘be selective–be specific, such as instead of saying ‘you look pretty,’  saying ‘that sweater really brings out the color of your eyes.’  And another tip–just say thank you when someone passes a compliment over to you, instead of being self-deprecating.  And there’s really no need to toss a compliment back to the giver, since it’s not tennis, it’s just, well, a compliment.

Bernstein found people who shared their own backhanded compliments, like ‘you must have been really pretty when you were young,’ or ‘you short people sure are intelligent.’  Compliments from moms and from siblings can get devalued, since they love you there’s a bit of grade inflation inherent in praise from relatives. Some people told the reporter that it’s tough for them to accept kind words from loved ones however. Since their job is to love you unconditionally, they don’t mean as much.

Yet from those whose praise we crave, it’s easy to take the kind words.  Peers, for example, who know how hard your job really is, and wives, who bestow compliments on their husbands who need more affirmation at home because they get less of it elsewhere.

The story made me want to tell my cafe staff how much I like them. Wait, I guess the better thing to say is how good a job they did on those scones, or how nice the front of the cafe looks after they swept.