What You Don’t Want Phil from Marketing to Hear

Corina Zappia writes hilariously in the Village Voice about a new crop of scented panties for women.

“Ladies, are we moving forward? Looking at those TV commercials for Kotex Ultra Thin from a while back, the answer is: No. If you remember the ad, their “quieter pouch” allows for a less-loud rip upon opening the plastic wrap surrounding each individually-wrapped napkin. It’s not enough that Phil from Marketing doesn’t know you’re ragging out at the office. The chick in the stall next to you, fumbling with her more elegant tampon, must also be none the wiser. Kimberly-Clark, the makers of the Kotex brand, claims the use of a more discreet, “nonwoven, clothlike material” for the pouch is in response to consumer interests. “They did not like the crinkly sounds,” said a KC spokesperson.

Perhaps these new non-crinkly pads are best used in conjunction with SweetSpot Labs’ balancing mist for your lady parts. No, not a liquid soap, more like a pH-balanced perfume with skin nourishers and hair conditioners(?!) for your vag. Quoth their website, which includes the spray in a “Hormone Harmony” supervalue pack of wipettes and cleansers: “All very good for the self-esteem, and we can’t think of a better place to start, can you?”